How to Manage Stress

Stress has become a major concern among humanity and society. With all the pressures from our duties and responsibilities and obligations and goals and ambitions, people can often find themselves overwhelmed. Stress can lead to some serious health problems if not managed effectively. Regardless of what our mental health condition is I think we all need some sort of method to manage our own stress.

There are many activities to do and lifestyle changes you can make to relieve stress such as:

Eat a healthy diet
Get adequate sleep
Exercise
Meditate
Take walks in nature
Listen to calming music

These are all great ways to reduce or relieve stress. However, some of them might be potentially problematic if you’re dealing with really overwhelming, chronic stress. Getting adequate sleep should help you relieve stress, but it’s probably your stress that’s causing your lack of sleep in the first place. Exercising might help you relieve stress, but your lack of sleep makes you too tired and weak to exercise. You’re just stuck in a vicious cycle of being stressed, lacking sleep, and being tired and not exercising.

That’s why I believe in taking a strict psychological approach to managing stress that gets straight to the root of it. Stress starts in the mind. Therefore, stress management should also start in the mind. To manage stress we have to do some work on our psychology. Then we can get adequate sleep, and then start exercising. But first there’s an analogy that we need to understand in order to get started:

A person under stress is very similar to a structure, such as a bridge or a building or a beam or column or truss. When external loads are applied to a structure, they become carried within the structure in the form of internal stresses.

As people living in our modern society there are various “pressures” acting on us from various aspects of our lives. Those pressures then induce stress within our mind, just like external loads on a structure will induce stress within the structure. It is how we respond with those external pressures that determines how stressed out we are inside.

Now I would like to share with you my method for managing stress. It’s fairly detailed and involves analyzing all the pressures acting on us and changing the way we respond to each one. This is what I use to manage my own stress and it has worked fairly well for me. It’s helped me overcome some of my own anxieties and learn to relax.

Without further ado here is my method for managing stress.

Identifying the Pressures

Before we can really do anything effective to manage our stress we first have to determine what exactly is stressing us out. We have to become fully aware of all the triggers of our stress, which are typically just certain pressures acting on us. A lot of these pressures will act on a subconscious level and we may not be fully aware of them. We can easily find ourselves in an uptight state of stress and tension and have no idea why. If you suddenly find yourself stressed out for no apparent reason, then your first step is to ask yourself “Why am I stressed?”

Analogy

Imagine you’re a parent and you are taking your kids out shopping with you at a retail or grocery store. You’re pushing a large shopping cart that is already filled with items that you need. Whenever you turn away from the cart, your kids are placing random items in the cart that they want you to buy. Basically, the kids are misbehaving and grabbing toys and junk food and placing them in the cart when you’re not looking.

As you come back to the cart, you realize it has gotten heavier and you have to exert more energy to push it. It’s placing a lot of stress on your legs and back. The kids here represent your subconscious constantly trying to put pressures on you without you even realizing it. The items in the cart represent the pressures acting on you or the triggers of your stress.

Just like those kids are loading the cart while you’re not looking, your subconscious is constantly putting pressures on you without your awareness. Just like those kids are placing items in the cart that you don’t need, your subconscious is making you worry and stress about things that maybe you don’t need to worry about.

To solve this problem you would have to carefully go through the cart and find all the extra items and take them out. Then you would have to keep a closer eye on your kids and force them to behave. That’s the idea here. We have to become more aware of how the subconscious puts pressures on us before we can gain control over it.

Self-Observation

Whenever you find yourself in a state of stress and tension, you have to immediately ask yourself “Why am I stressed?” And you really have to figure out what is causing your stress, what is triggering your stress. You have to pinpoint the trigger of your anxiety.

Sometimes when you’re really busy and overwhelmed with life you might not be able to determine the actual triggers of your stress right away. Therefore, it’s going to take some self-observation and reflection to figure out what exactly is stressing you out. You have to identify all the pressures acting on you and pin-point which ones are causing you the most stress.

Get out a pencil and some paper and start brainstorming. Write down everything that’s been on your mind lately and everything that’s going on in your life.

Think of anything and everything that could be putting pressure on you. Think of all your duties and responsibilities and obligations. If you’re a student think of everything you’re facing at school such as assignments, exams, peer-pressure, etc. If you’re working, think of any changes happening with your job. Maybe you’re taking on new duties or taking on complex projects. Think of your relationships with your family and friends and significant other. Think of your own personal goals and dreams and ambitions, as well as the expectations that other people have of you.

After you’ve got everything written down, start to slowly read through it all. Observe your thoughts and feelings as you’re reading through your notes. Try to see what circumstances of your life happen to stress you out the most when you think about them. That should help determine the worst pressures acting on you, which are causing you the most stress. Then they won’t be able to act on a subconscious level and continue to manipulate you without your awareness.

Now that you’ve pin-pointed the actual triggers of your anxiety, you have a couple of options to deal with them. The first option I like to call “Removing the Load“.

Removing the Load

Remember that a person under stress is a lot like a structure. When external loads are applied to a structure, those loads are carried within the structure as internal stresses. However, when those external loads are removed, then the internal stresses are also removed.

When a car drives over a bridge, the weight of the car will induce stress within the structure of the bridge.

But when the car drives off, the stresses in the bridge disappear.

In the winter when there’s snow piled on the roof of a house, the weight of the snow will induce stress within the roof framing system. But in the spring when the snow melts and drains, the stress in the roof system will disappear.

The same idea can be applied to a person undergoing stress in their mind. If they remove the external “loads” or “pressures” acting on them, then the stress within their mind will disappear.

Once you think you’ve discovered all the pressures acting on you, you’ll want to evaluate how “important” these worries or concerns really are. You have to carefully question whether these things are truly worth stressing about. Ideally you will conclude that the problem isn’t worth worrying about. At that point you’ll have released yourself from the pressure or “taken the load off your shoulders” and subsequently eliminated the stress inside of you.

A lot of the things we worry about are often superficial or unnecessary or unimportant and just a waste of our time and energy. These are things like:

Comparing yourself to other people.
Trying to please people and fit in with people.
Worrying about what others think.
Living up to other people’s standards and expectations.
Trying to impress people.
Trying to reach unrealistic goals.

These things usually happen on a subconscious level and you might not even realize it. If you find yourself identifying with any of these types of pressures and it’s keeping you in a state of stress, then you probably better just “take the pressure off.” It’s almost like you’re emptying your pockets of unneeded heavy items that are weighing you down. To better explain this concept, here are a few examples:

Example 1

You’re a recent college graduate and you’ve been job hunting for a while. You haven’t been getting much luck with your job hunt and it’s stressing you out. What you need to ask yourself is “Why am I in such a rush to find a job so desperately?” Then you can identify all the pressures acting on you to find a job. For example you might discover:

You’re jealous because all your classmates from college have found work already, and that is making you feel “behind.”
You want to show off your accomplishments and achievements on social media. A new career would make your work-status look great on Facebook.
Maybe you have a toxic family member, such as a cousin who is always gossiping and bragging and showing off. You want this new career to “get even” with them and give you something to brag about.
There’s pressure acting on you from your parents to start this new career. Perhaps both of your parents were doctors and they expect you to do the same. You feel a need to make your parents proud.
You are several thousand dollars in debt from student loans and need a source of income to pay them off.

Now you would have to carefully evaluate how important these problems really are. I think we can all agree that most of these are fairly unimportant and unnecessary:

You don’t need to be comparing yourself to your classmates. The fact that they’ve found work doesn’t make your situation any different. Take the pressure off.
You don’t need to be showing off your accomplishments on social media. That’s just an indicator that you care too much what other people think. Take the pressure off.
You don’t need to be competing with an obnoxious family member. If they want to gossip and brag then that is their choice. You don’t have to sink to their level. Take the pressure off.
Even your own parents shouldn’t be pressuring you into this. This is your life, not your parent’s. What you choose to do for a living is all up to you. Take the pressure off.
It’s important that you start paying off your students loans as soon as you have to. But you could always consider getting a part-time job to pay them off, while you continue job-hunting for your career.

After taking the time to do this you should feel a lot less stressed about your job-hunting situation. You just removed a ton of pressure that was acting on you to find a job. You may still want to have a career, but you are no longer in such a desperate rush to get started. Now you can actually relax.

Example 2

As young children get older into their pre-teen years they start getting exposed to peer-pressure. They might feel the need to be approved or accepted and “fit-in” with all the other kids. This type of pressure might induce anxiety and stress in their mind.

However, let’s say they come to their senses and realize that being popular isn’t so important and just having a few good friends is all that matters. Then they would release themselves from peer-pressure and the stress within them would disappear.

Example 3

You’re a fairly young adult who’s been working for several years since graduating from college. You dream of having an early retirement. You’ve made it your goal to retire at 35 years old.

However, you’ve been finding it hard to save money on a consistent, regular basis. After all your expenses are paid each month you only have a few hundred bucks left to save and invest. It’s stressing you out that you’re barely able to save any money and your being held back from your dream.

You’re going to have to evaluate the importance of this goal or this “pressure”. Ask yourself what is more important to you: reaching this difficult and unlikely goal or taking care of your mental health?

You’re probably better just taking this unnecessary pressure off and removing the stress from your mind. I know I would rather relax and accept that I may not be able to fulfill all my dreams than to warp my mind with anxiety trying to reach them.

Example 4

You’re extremely anxious about taking your final drivers test for the last level of your driving licence. You feel so overwhelmed and nervous and stressed out about it. In order to identify all the pressures associated with this you need to ask yourself “Why am I so anxious about this?” Let’s say after you spent some time self-observing you discover this:

You want to show off your driving skills in order to impress the instructor and avoid “screwing up” or making a fool of yourself in front of them.
There’s pressure from the test itself. You just want to pass the test.
You obviously want to avoid getting into any accidents in order to prevent any injuries or fatalities on the road.

After identifying the pressures you have to evaluate their importance:

You don’t need to care what the instructor thinks of you. They might seem intimidating but they’re usually just cranky or impatient, and that doesn’t have anything to do with you. You’re probably never going to see them again anyways. Take the pressure off.
It’s not a big deal to fail a driver’s test. In fact it’s very common to fail a driver’s test. You can always just take the test again. Just spend more time practicing and preparing for the next time. Take the pressure off.
The safety of everyone on the roads should be of paramount concern. This is the only pressure that you can’t really take off.

After making those evaluations you should feel a little less anxious about the driver’s test by taking a few of those pressures off. Now you can focus on the one concern that really matters in this situation, the safety of everyone on the roads. That brings us to the next strategy or technique, which I call “Strengthening the Structure“.

Strengthening the Structure

Another way to reduce the stress in a structure is too actually strengthen the structure. If you can’t remove the load then you have to reduce the stress within it by actually Strengthening the Structure.

Let’s say you’re sizing a wood beam in a house to carry some floor joists and a wall and some roof trusses. You start by analyzing a 2-ply 2×10, and it is way too over stressed. You can add an extra ply to make it a 3-ply 2×10. Or you can use a larger size such as a 2×12. It’s still carrying the same load, but it’s a stronger beam. This will reduce the stress within it.

It’s the same idea with how we deal with the pressures that induce stresses in our mind. There are some problems in our lives that are so important that we can’t just “take the pressure off.” These are usually certain duties or responsibilities that we have to face at some point.

We need to build up a sense of “confidence” in our ability to handle these problems. This then reduces the stress within our minds, like strengthening a structure.

Example:

Let’s go back to our driving scenario. If you’re a teenager and you are stressed out about learning to drive, there’s a lot of pressure acting on you there. You now have your own safety as well as the safety of everyone else on the road in your hands. That is a really important responsibility, where you can’t just “take the pressure off.”

You need to build up a sense of confidence in your ability to handle this pressure. Start by thoroughly learning the rules of the road and memorize them. Practice operating a vehicle until you can control it effortlessly. Practice all the driving techniques including turns, lane changes, parking etc., until you got them all mastered. Follow all the rules of the road strictly and never take any stupid risks.

By doing this you would build up your confidence in your driving abilities. That should greatly reduce the stress within your mind, like strengthening a structure.

Recognizing Futile Stress

There are some situations in life that we just have very little to no control over. Sometimes there can be problems in which we only have a fixed amount of time to prepare for. After that there is nothing we can do about it. We have to recognize when we’re putting pressure on ourselves from circumstances that are beyond our control. These are like problems that are futile, hopeless, or pointless to worry about.

Example 1

You’re a college student waiting to write an exam right outside the room. There’s only 15 minutes before it starts and you’re still worrying about it. At this point you’ve done whatever you could to prepare and there’s nothing left you can do. Tell yourself that your stress or worries serve no purpose at this point.

Example 2

You’re a parent of few adult children. You continually worry about how they’re taking care of themselves. Are they eating a healthy diet? Are they driving responsibly? Are they keeping out of dark alleys?

When your children are minors you can make them eat their vegetables and look before they cross the street and wear a helmet when they ride a bike. But once they become an adult and move out, they are on their own. It’s up to them to look after themselves. There’s very little to nothing you can do to protect them. Your stress and worries serve no purpose at this point.

That’s the idea in Recognizing Futile Stress. We have to recognize when we’re stressing over things that we can’t even do anything about. We have to learn to let go of the things that we can’t control.