Do you feel like the world has just beaten you down? Do you feel like you’re an outcast, out of place? Do you feel like you’re just not good enough? If you answered ‘yes’ to any of those questions then you probably suffer from low self-esteem. And that’s an unfortunate state to find yourself in.

Low self-esteem can make you feel worthless, useless, and just invaluable. It can make you feel inferior to everyone around you. It makes you self-conscious and worry about what other people think of you.

Having low self-esteem is very bad for your mental health. It can lead to so many other mental health problems. It’s literally the root cause of so many other difficult emotions and anxieties:

• You can worry so much about what people think of you that you’re afraid of socializing.
• You can be so intimidated by other people that you can’t handle public speaking.
• You can get embarrassed easily because you worry so much of what people think of you.
• You can be angry at the people who took part in hurting your self-esteem in the first place.
• You can hate yourself so much that it makes you depressed.

It’s almost like low self-esteem is a “sickness” and all those other emotions are the “symptoms” of the sickness. You could think of social anxiety, public speaking anxiety and embarrassment as some of the “symptoms” of low self-esteem. If you have problems with any of those anxieties then it’s likely because you also have a problem with low self-esteem. Those anxieties can be really painful and traumatizing on your life, but you have to recognize what is causing them in the first place.

If you’re sick with an infection, then it will probably cause certain symptoms such as a fever or a cough. You might find that fever or the cough very painful and distracting and you’ll feel inclined to treat it. But if you ever want to recover from this sickness, then you have to go after the root of the problem, the infection. It’s the same idea with your psychology. If you want to get over these issues with anxiety then you have to get to the root of the problem, the low self-esteem.

For this reason I think self-esteem is one of the most important aspects of our psychology to work on when it comes to improving mental health. Somebody that’s suffering with several issues such as anxiety, anger, and depression, should probably start by working on their self-esteem. It’s a good “origin point” to start in which you can later “branch out” towards other things. If you’re dealing with a ton of mental health issues and have no idea where to begin, in my opinion, self-esteem is a good place to start.

So let me share with you my method for overcoming a low self-esteem. It involves revisiting all the experiences that caused this problem and changing the way you respond to each one.

Process

I think a huge mistake is to expect to be able to “fix” a low self-esteem by acquiring achievements and accomplishments. You already have insecurities buried inside of you, and they’re not going to go anywhere just by accomplishing things that make you proud. All you’re doing there is covering them up.

Imagine you’re sitting in your living room watching TV and having a drink and you accidentally spill some wine on the floor. You’re too lazy to clean it up so you just place a rug over it. Later you furnish your home by placing a fancy table or pedestal on the rug. Then you decorate the table by placing a basket of fruit or a vase with a bouquet of flowers on top of it. That spilled wine is still on the floor, degrading the value of your home, but buried underneath all those fancy decorations.

It’s the same idea with your psychology. If you have low self-esteem you can’t expect to “fix it” with a fancy college degree or a high social status or a beautiful dream-house. Those things might make you feel proud of yourself, but they’re not going to just magically make your low self-esteem disappear.

To fix this problem you have to move all those fancy decorations and uncover the spill, and then clean it up. Similarly with your psychology, you have to get to the root of your low self-esteem problem and change the way you respond to it.

To overcome low self-esteem you’ll have to look back over the course of your life and determine how this problem was developed. You’ll have to recall certain events and experiences and circumstances in your life that caused and triggered this low self-esteem problem. Up until now all of these circumstances have probably been acting on a subconscious level. So the first step is to become aware of everything that’s been causing and triggering this low self-esteem.

The next step in the process is to “change the way you respond” to all of those circumstances that caused your low self-esteem. You have to “take ownership” or responsibility for the mistakes you made by reacting subconsciously to all these bad experiences. Then you need to propose how you “should have responded” to all of those bad experiences at the time, to prevent this low self-esteem problem from developing.

Retrospection

Try to think way back to how this problem started to develop in the first place, even before it got severely out of hand. Try to remember when was it that you actually started to care what other people think? When was the first time you’ve ever felt insecure and what were the circumstances?

Then try to see how this problem continued to develop and gradually get worse over the years. Try to recall all the bad experiences that contributed to this low self-esteem problem and describe how you reacted to them.

Example 1

In your preteen years you probably started getting exposed to peer-pressure and popularity in school. The concept of popularity might have made you start to care what people think. Being surrounded by a bunch of over-confident, stuck-up kids who thought they were so “cool” and mature and better than everyone else might have intimidated you.

Those kids might not have treated you well. They might have teased you, laughed at you, and bullied you. Or perhaps they just rejected you, despised you, and flat out ignored you like you didn’t exist. That might have made you feel lame and uncool and unwanted and worthless.

Example 2

If you’ve ever been insulted it may have taken a toll on your self-esteem. If you’ve ever been called “stupid” or “ugly” or “useless” it could have made you feel really bad about yourself. Subconsciously you could have ended up “identifying” with the insult and making it a reality. If someone called you “stupid” and then you actually felt “stupid”, you were identifying with the insult.

Example 3

As you started dating or trying to you might have experienced a drop in your self-esteem. If you’ve ever been rejected or dumped it could have made you question your standards as a partner. Perhaps the person you tried to ask out was really rude and insulted you. Maybe they were questioning in disbelief why you even thought you had a chance with them. That might have made you feel undesirable or unattractive and just unworthy to date.

As you started working or job-hunting you might have experienced a drop in your self-esteem. If you had trouble job hunting, it could have made you feel like you’re “unworthy” to get a job and unwanted by employers. If you had any bad interviews where you were put on the spot with difficult questions it could have made you feel stupid and useless. If you’ve ever been laid-off or fired that could have made you question your value as an employee.

Example 4

If you’ve ever been stuck in a “high-standard” environment then that could have greatly lowered your self-esteem. For example you might have been raised in a high achieving family. Your parents might have been respectable, high-class professionals. Your siblings might have been gifted with intelligence and skilled with athletic abilities and talented in arts. Then you might have felt like the “black sheep” by not measuring up to their standards.

As a teenager you might have attended a really high-achieving high-school. The school might have had really high standards in academics, athletics and art talents. Being stuck in an environment like this could really have set you up for low self-esteem. The circumstances present in that environment could’ve really screwed up your self-esteem if you reacted to them improperly.

Your classmates were probably sophisticated, well-rounded students who were really ambitious and high achieving in nature. They were likely acing all their courses, playing a few sports, possessing impressive talent in music, art, and drama, and involved in several extra-curricular activities. They were probably aiming for university and had their whole career concisely planned out. On top of that, they may have had a proud, over-confident, stuck-up, snobby attitude. They were probably hard to interact with and were always showing off, bragging, gossiping and judging everyone around them.

By being stuck surrounded by these types of people every day throughout high school you probably couldn’t help but get intimidated by them. You might have been worried that you weren’t measuring up to their standards. Maybe you were struggling in your courses and weren’t involved in any activities or possessed any real talents or skills. Everyone around you probably looked so busy and important while you just felt like a lonely loser with no life. They might not have accepted you with the standards you had and made you feel like a worthless, useless, pathetic loser.

In college perhaps you were enrolled in a really sophisticated program such as Medical School, Law School, Dentistry, Architecture, or Civil Engineering. Every day on campus you were probably surrounded by really ambitious students. They were likely acing their courses, getting involved in activities and developing connections in their field. You probably had to work with them on school projects and might have been competing with them for internships. Again you were probably worried about not measuring up to their standards and felt self-conscious in that environment.

Example 5

As you entered the workforce you might had had a drop in your self-esteem. Starting a career straight out of college with no experience was probably intimidating. You were probably stuck working with people older than you, wiser than you, and more experienced than you. You were probably given simple mundane tasks of little importance that nobody else wanted to do. You were paid the least and given the least amount of time off. Your boss might have disrespected you or maybe even insulted you about your standards or credentials or your place in the company.

Changing Your Response

Now that you’ve taken the time to revisit all those experiences, you should be a lot more aware of how your low self-esteem problem was developed. Those memories can no longer continue to haunt you on a subconscious level and manipulate you without your awareness. That should help “separate” you from your low self-esteem and make it lose some control over you already.

Now you need to take a closer look at how you reacted to those circumstances and understand why it was incorrect. If you have low self-esteem it’s probably because you’ve always been reacting to the circumstances of your life. By reacting you’re letting your subconscious take control and allowing it to develop all kinds of psychological problems. You have to understand that there’s a difference between reacting subconsciously and responding consciously.

Go through all your experiences again and describe how you reacted to them and why it was the wrong way to react. Then propose how you should have responded in order to prevent this low self-esteem problem from developing.

Example 1

As a kid in school you didn’t necessarily have to allow popularity and peer-pressure to make you feel “inferior”. Just by wanting to “fit-in” and be approved and accepted by those kids, you were automatically caring about what they thought. By caring about what they thought you were basically a victim at their mercy. If they didn’t think too fondly of you then it was going to hurt. All of their teasing, mocking, bullying, and overall rejection would have greatly hurt your self-esteem.

Care about other people’s approval and you will always be their prisoner.

Lao Tzu

You should have questioned your desire to be accepted or approved by these people in the first place. Since these were just a bunch of “over confident, stuck-up kids”, why would you even want to hang out with these people anyways? If you made this conclusion at the time then you wouldn’t have been so bothered by those kids rejecting you and it wouldn’t have hurt your self-esteem.

Example 2

If someone has ever insulted you, you didn’t necessarily have to let it hurt your self-esteem. The way I see it, an insult only hurts under 2 conditions:

• You agree with the insult.
• You care what that person thinks of you.

When someone insults you, the first thing you need to ask yourself is if what the person said about you is what you truly think of yourself? Do you agree with the insult? If you don’t then don’t let it hurt you.

Then you have to stop caring what this person thinks of you. One way you can do this is by Recognizing Ignorance and Unconsciousness. If you can see that the person is in a lower state of consciousness and can’t control their temper or frustration or pride, etc, then you won’t be as bothered by their behaviour.

Another way you can stop caring what people think is by Selecting your Social Circle. If you have no interest or desire to be associated or affiliated or connected to that person, then you don’t have to care what they think.

What you really need to ask yourself is: If someone has the audacity to flat-out insult you straight to your face, are they even worth being friends with? Therefore, if you have no desire to even be acquainted with that person, then you don’t have to care what they think, and you shouldn’t get hurt if they insult you.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Eleanor Roosevelt

Example 3

You didn’t have to allow rejection from dating to hurt your self-esteem. You didn’t have to take it personally getting rejected from potential dates. If the person you tried to ask out wasn’t interested, that’s their business. Perhaps even you had people that liked you in which you weren’t interested.

If the person was particularly rude, you still didn’t have to let them make you feel so bad about yourself. You just had to re-think or question your desire to date that person. If that person was as rude and disrespectful to you as they were, why would you even want to date them?

You didn’t have to allow your trouble with job-hunting to hurt your self-esteem. You didn’t have to take it personally getting rejected from employers. They always hire whoever they think is the best fit for the job. If you had any bad interviews you just had to admit that you didn’t prepare well enough for them or accept that the position wasn’t right for you.

If you were fired for an honest mistake then you just needed to learn from it and move on without dwelling on it. On the other hand, if you were fired unfairly then instead of feeling ‘hurt’ you should be relieved to get out of there because it was probably a crappy place to work anyways.

Example 4

While being stuck in a high-standard environment you didn’t necessarily have to allow your self-esteem to get so badly damaged. Just by feeling a desire or need to “measure up” to the standards of everyone else, you were making yourself a victim of circumstance. Your self-worth would then literally depend on your reputation in that environment. Therefore if you had any kind of trouble measuring up to those people, it would have lowered your self-esteem.

When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.

Lao Tzu

You shouldn’t have allowed yourself to get so overly “caught-up” in that environment. All you ever had to do was take a good look outside of that environment. If you went to a high-achieving school, you just had to remind yourself that not all schools are as high-achieving as that one. Not all people are as ambitious and intelligent and sophisticated and talented and well-rounded as those students were. There are 7 billion people in this world and they all come in varying levels of ambition and talent and achievement. If you’re always going to compare yourself to people who seem “better” than you, then you’re always going to have low self-esteem.

You also didn’t have to allow the people in that environment to make you feel so badly about yourself. By having a desire to fit-in and be accepted by those people, you were again placing yourself at the limit of their mercy. Therefore you would have been greatly intimidated by their over-confident, judgemental, stuck-up, snobby attitude. Then your self-esteem would have dropped like a rock if they didn’t accept you.

You should have tried to “separate” yourself from the standards of that environment in order to take the pressure off. Instead of freaking out about not measuring up to those standards and not being accepted by those people, you could have just told yourself “Yes, these people are very intelligent, ambitious, high achieving, and busy and involved, but I don’t need to be bothered by them. I don’t need to meddle in their affairs or get into their business. Just let them do their thing, and I’ll do mine. I’ll be out of this school soon enough.”

If you had been able to do that you could have saved yourself a ton of damage to your self-esteem and hopefully walked out of that environment without any mental health problems.

Example 5

You didn’t have to allow your first real job out of college to hurt your self-esteem. You’ve got to understand that everyone has to start somewhere in their career. Even the most experienced, high-class professionals once had to start off as “rookies” with no experience in their field.

If your boss was rude to you then you just need to see him as a big jerk and that’s it. You shouldn’t allow anything he says to hurt your feelings more make you feel “inferior”. You should probably question whether this person is even worth working for and consider leaving that place with your dignity.

Going Forward

After taking the time to do this you should feel a big boost in your confidence. You should feel liberated, almost like you were being chained down, and you just cut the chains.

Going forward you should still make an effort to care less about what people think and avoid being too hard on yourself. Spend your life with people that support you and avoid or ignore people that put you down. If any of those memories come to mind be careful not to let them trigger feelings of insecurity again. Remind yourself of why you don’t need to feel insecure about those experiences.

You probably have other mental health problems that you need to work on such as social anxiety, depression, or anger. You’ll find that a lot of other difficult emotions trace back to having low self-esteem. So it should be very helpful that you took the time to work on this one.

Conclusion

Having low self-esteem is a very unfortunate and difficult state to be in that can make people feel absolutely horrible about themselves. There are many other difficult emotions and mental health problems that can derive from low self-esteem. Therefore, in my opinion, working on your low self-esteem is a very effective way to start your psychological journey.

It’s not quite enough to just “cover up” your insecurities by acquiring achievements and accomplishments that make you proud. You have to get to the root of your problem with low self-esteem and change it.

Start by recalling all the bad experiences that caused and triggered this problem and describe how you reacted to them. Then you have to take responsibility for the way you reacted and understand why it was the wrong way to react. Understand the mistakes you made in caring about other people’s approval, worrying about what other people think, and comparing yourself to other people. Then you have to change the way you respond to all those circumstances so that they no longer hurt your self-esteem.

That is my method to overcome a low self-esteem. I hope it helps you get past any insecurities that may be bringing you down and you finally gain some self-confidence. Good Luck